Interview: Abuse in Boys and Girls, How to Teach them to Set Limits on their Bodies?

The WHO defines child abuse as any form of abuse or neglect that affects a child under 18 years of age and encompasses all types of physical or affective abuse, sexual abuse, commercial exploitation, and acts that affect the health, development, or dignity of the minor. Likewise, one in 5 women and one in 13 men declare having suffered sexual abuse when they were between 0 and 17 years of age.

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A key factor is a prevention. For this reason, at LatinAmerican Post, we spoke with the pediatrician Victoria Eusse to provide children and adolescents with knowledge and skills that contribute to the prevention of abuse.

LatinAmerican Post: Experience indicates that it is difficult to detect abuse on many occasions because minors are unaware that they are in this situation and because of the power exercised by adults. What would you recommend to parents? From what age to teach boys and girls to set limits on their bodies and how to approach the issue?

Pediatrician Victoria Eusse: When an infant sees within his family that the body of boys and girls or the body of women is not respected, he does not have the courage that learning begins there. At home, the body acquires a value of respect, of individuality or not. In our case, in Colombia, the body is permanently violated in front of the children: that of the mother in couple relationships, sibling relationships, and parent-child relationships. Lines that are important are constantly being crossed: those of living space and respect.

Likewise, that disrespect is accentuated when parenting begins, where I hit you, shake you, shake you, and punish your body for anything, including physical punishment. When families do not know the stages of development, children are often physically punished for not doing things that are not even within the time to learn or mature.

LP: Certain behaviors raise doubts about whether they are correct. For example, kissing boys and girls on the mouth, being naked at home, or having the boy or girl sits on the legs of uncles, cousins, etc. According to the records, the people who commit abuses are usually in the close circle of the families. Are these behaviors correct or not?

A: Close people have access to children all the time, and they are very vulnerable because what they have learned is that adults have access to their bodies. So, from a very young age, they are doing this behavior that will confuse them. On many occasions, there may not be any sexual intention, only love, and affection, but if I intend to make that child strong, conscious, healthy, and able to defend himself, I have to think about these things. If at all times the parents or close relatives are kissing areas that later on I am going to teach them are sexual areas, such as the genitals, the breasts, and the mouth, then I am creating confusion that is difficult to resolve.

LP: Regarding sexuality, there is usually a lot of taboo, and euphemisms are used to name related topics. How should you talk to children, and from what age?

A: You should always speak clearly. When? To the extent that they are demanding information. And this is very early today due to exposure to screens and their socialization from a very young age in kindergarten.

Parents begin to play with children almost from the year: where are the eyes, the nose, etc. It is a game of learning and self-identification. From that moment, you should ask him, just as I ask about the eyes, where the genitals are. The words that must be used are clear and customarily used in each region. If here, the usual thing in our environment is to call the penis pee, well, that's how he will identify it from the garden. But it is also essential to explain to him that the correct name for a pee is penis and to determine the word. And what many families do to start calling the little flower, the little bird, is incorrect because that can also confuse, and abusers take advantage of that confusion.

LP: How to do this constant monitoring of the boys and girls? Is it appropriate to ask them if someone has approached them or wait for them to discuss it? This thinking that there may be manipulation by the adult.

A: In Pediatrics, there is talk of 10 premises that must always be given to mothers, fathers, and educators to provide children with tools.

1) Talk openly with children about the body in an indiscriminate way. That is not to show that you can talk about the hands or any part but not about the areas compromised with sexual function. Just as I teach him what the eyes are for, why you have to take care of your eyes, and how to take care of them, I also teach him what the penis is for, what the vulva is for, why you have to take care of it and that the child understands that each part of your body has a function and has specific care.

2) Talk about the vital space formed around our body when we extend our arms. It tells them nobody can force you or them to enter their living area without authorization. They must understand that the body is their most significant treasure.

3) The boy and girl must understand that they have rights, such as rejecting what they do not want and feel wrong about. So, you have the right to say no, "I don't want you to hold me," or "I don't want you to hug me," etc. Adults should not be accepted "for education," as is often said in our culture.

4) Do not force the child to receive kisses and hugs or to do something that makes him feel uncomfortable.

5) Teach him to discern between promising approaches and inadequate approaches. This learning is gradual as it matures. It is to help them refine that discrimination of caresses. It is not the same for a family member, an aunt, to arrive and hug you and kiss you on the head than for someone to want to sit on top of him and want to hug you and kiss you on the mouth or want to put his hand between the clothes.

6) Teach him the difference between surprise and secret. "The secret between the two" is the most used by abusers. First, they convince him with this idea: "This is a secret between the two of us." Then they make him feel guilty and responsible for what is happening: "This is happening because of you, because you wanted it, because you allowed it, because you like it," and third, because they intimidate or embarrass him then: "yes you tell, this is going to happen, I'll kill your mom, I'll kill you, all kinds of threats that can intimidate children" or shame "they won't believe you, they'll think you're the one carrying this guilt." The trusted adult should explain that this can happen and that it is not good to keep secrets, but instead immediately say and tell what is happening.

7) Explain to him that not all adults are good. You have to teach him that there are adults who are not good people, who are adults who may want things from him that are not right. It should be noted that not all adults can be trusted, and not all will protect and care for them.

8) Tell the child that there are people they can trust. And indicate them with proper names, "these people can be trusted," and suggest that others do not.

9) Inform him what sexual abuse is. When the child grows up, he must learn what sexual abuse is.

10) Give him the confidence and certainty that he will be listened to, that he will be protected, and that they will believe him if a situation of this type arises.

Dr. Eusse also points out that all these recommendations can be applied to digital environments, especially pre-adolescents beginning to be exposed. That is, point out the dangers of the internet and how they can identify risk situations. Likewise, in the event of any indication of abuse, it is necessary to go to the health system. Physicians are the ones who should make the primary assessment of the case.